Survival
by DaughteroftheOneTrueKing
Summary: Sirius is having a hard time


**Hello all! I'm back again, and this fic is for the Quidditch League quarterfinals, where it's all about the team. We've all been given a player where we have to use something from, whether it's story, etc. As Captain of the Wasps, I've been given the doozy of all tasks: I have to use one element of my story as given to me by each member of my team. If you don't know, that's 7 people, all of whom I'm proud to call both my teammates and friends. This is for you guys!**

**Amy: coffee**

**Rebeca: Sirius**

**Queen: dark blue**

**Crystal: Jane Eyre**

**Em: "I don't want to survive, I want to live"**

**Esme: storm**

**Courtney: in-story character**

**Words: 939**

As a clap of thunder sounded, Sirius stirred the cup of coffee before him. He didn't particularly like coffee, he had simply come to this small cafe to have somewhere to be that wasn't the Potter's.

He loved Lily and James, of course. They were the closest thing he had to a loving family. Lately, however, things had changed quite a lot. They had been married a year ago, and their first child had been born only weeks prior, and the kid was cute as a button. But now they were never able. The kid was cute as a button. More and more, however, he felt like an intruder in the new family's life. Lily and James assured him that wasn't the case, but he still felt it.

Sirius was just about to hail a waitress, perhaps to order some food, when he heard another clap of thunder announce the arrival of a familiar person coming through the shop's door. As she walked towards the counter, she caught his eyes with her dark blue ones and smiled. The young woman said something to the waitress, then walked over and sat across from him.

"Courtney," he said, managing to smile as she sat. "It's been a while, how have you been?"

Raising her eyebrows, she said, "Don't try that false cheer on me, Sirius Black. You and I both know that things are bad for everyone right now, and it looks like you are handling it a lot worse than most. What's wrong?"

Sirius sighed. Courtney had always been able to see through all his crap and get to the truth of things. While it annoyed him, it was part of the reason they had grown so close. They'd met in fifth year when they'd worked on homework while James, Sirius, and Peter all had detention, and he hadn't.

After that, they'd hung out every once in a while when the guys weren't around. They'd talked more starting seventh year when James and Lily had started dating. They'd found out that they had quite a lot in common, and not just things like how they both liked to prank people. They read the same kinds of books (both were quite fond of one Muggle classic in particular, _Jane Eyre). _He had sometimes thought he loved her, and they had shared a kiss on the eve of their graduation, which had been one of the most important experiences of his life.

But they had lost contact after a short two months of dating, the summer after graduation. Courtney had started training as a Healer, and Sirius had felt left on the sidelines once again.

"Things are changing, Courtney. Just like they did with us. James and Lily are a family now; they can't want me around so much now that they have the baby, no matter how much they say otherwise. Every week there's news of another killing, or someone else has disappeared. We know what's happened to them, but no one dares say aloud that they were taken by Death Eaters on most occasions. I just want things to stay how they were when we were in school, when we were all just friends, without all the complications of being an adult. I know it's childish and impossible, but I can hope, right?"

By the end of his ramble, he was mostly talking to himself. He'd felt all the wretchedness and despair wrenching tighter and tighter, and he'd spoken uncensored. As soon as he said it, he felt even worse. The storm outside let out several cracks of thunder in quick succession, echoing his thunderous thoughts.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, averting his gaze from Courtney's. Instead of giving him a pitying or sad look, the young woman was smiling at him. "First time seeing you in two years, and I say all that."

Courtney gave a bemused laugh. "Well, now that you've said it, don't you feel a lot better? Thoughts like that need to be shared. It's the only way to fix them."

Sirius was about to reply that his outburst hadn't made him feel any better at all, but then he stopped and thought. Now that he'd actually said everything that was on his mind, he did feel somewhat… _better_ wasn't the right word. Purged? That fit. It was as if the words had been poison inside of him, and now that he'd gotten rid of them, he would be able to move on and figure out how to deal with the situation properly.

"Maybe a little," he reluctantly confirmed. He didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she'd helped. Her dark blue eyes danced like they were full of stars, as if she could tell he wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Okay, then, Sirius," she said, acquiescing as she caught the attention of the waitress for coffee. "You know, it's the little things that help us survive it all."

Sirius was quiet for a moment as he thought over her words. She was correct, he realized. It was a great thought, but also a tad of a letdown. There had to be something better than just surviving, right? As the waitress came over and gave Courtney a cup of coffee and refilled Sirius's cold cup with piping hot liquid, he said, "I don't want to survive, though, Courtney. I want to live."

The storm outside seemed to quiet at the words, as if even it was curious at the idea. Courtney, however, simply nodded.

"I get it, Sirius. Sometimes just surviving isn't enough. But until we can live, surviving is all we have."


End file.
